I remember the moment birth opened into my heart. It was a video of my brother’s arrival that I watched by accident in the family video archives. I was in awe and somewhat terrified of what I beheld, but mostly confused as to why I did not know more about what I saw. Incredulously I realized that I had never come to fully consider how life begins: whether a belly birth or vaginal, our beginning begins through the body of Ma. As curiosity bloomed in me, I began to listen more. Much of what I found saddened me, that others who happened upon such knowledge as I without any other context often saw something gross that should be kept secret and away from public conversation. In many ways, I realized that there was a reason I had not been invited into this conversation before— it was a hidden part of society.
On an intrinsic level, I felt a deep wrongness that this wild, raw, and powerful act that brought forth life was considered too big for people to hold. As I delved into my devotion to birth, I realized that new parents were often incredibly isolated in this rite of passage, left to navigate it alone or with medical professionals, invited back into the community once the vulnerable portal that is pregnancy- postpartum was complete. As I began to learn from mothers, I heard stories of those who lacked boundaries or did not understand the vulnerable and unique journey that each person takes when they embark on the creation of family, asking inappropriate questions and injecting opinions and experiences into that of another.
A case for birth is a communal remembering that birth is a part of each of our beginnings. I firmly believe that there is a responsibility that each person holds, albeit different from each other, in supporting and understanding the world of birth. Whether you are a grandparent, an uncle, a friend, a partner, or a member of society with no active relationship with birth, there is a place for you to understand that the creation of family is the heart of humanity. How we raise our children, care for families, and understand the web of life has profound impacts on the coming generations.
My five-year devotional journey into birth culminated in my own first pregnancy and birth of my daughter Freydis. This experience brought all that I had learned to a whole new level of understanding. Whilst this perspective on birth being relevant to all may appear to be a new mother’s fantasy— I can assure you it is not. As my mentor, friend, and midwifery teacher,r Whapio says, “To study birth is to study life”, and oh how true this is. The deeper I go, the more I see the blueprints of birth etched into every aspect of life. From creativity to environmentalism, my relationship with birth has been my greatest teacher, and in many ways is a core part of this substack’s exploration of creation mysteries.
It may seem strange to find topics that range from animism and wild encounters to creativity and songwriting, and then birth and family. But here it is: birth is relevant. So this is my invitation to you, reader— whether you are someone who is in an active relationship with birth, or not, I encourage you to read the Birth Series I post to this platform. If anything, I hope it will ignite curiosity in those who are new to this language, as well as resources to new parents, and a reminder and point of conversation to those seasoned in this world.
The words shared here are but a great big stewing cauldron of wisdom from friends, mothers, fathers, mentors, animals, nature, and of course— my own personal experiences. I hope that you find these tales to be of service, for in my own study of birth, I have come to know much more of myself. There is something special when it comes to birth that opens the soul to the wild unknown truths of the world, the subtle energies of intuition, and the great web of relationship to everything.
To begin, I would like to share a writing I did on self-directed birth. It can be read both practically and/or mystically. One could substitute many different situations in which these suggestions of self-direction can be applied. For self-direction is not about the external environment, so much as the living internal environment and how it reflects into the world. I hope you enjoy it and would love to hear your thoughts and reflections in the comments below.
Self Direction
This post is not meant to define self-direction, but rather an attempt to explore what it means to me.
Self-directed birth is personal and wonderful, wild and wise. It is not about what other people think or want for you, but rather what you think and want for you and your baby. A right way to birth does not exist, for birth is as unique and personal as each individual is. My teacher and friend, Whapio, an Independent Midwife of the last 40 years, has shared much wisdom over the course of her career that has taken root in my own practice and understanding of birth. She often talks about ideas vs. ideologies: “Ideas liberate”, she says, but ideologies do not. They have the reverse effect, taking a good idea and attempting to indoctrinate it into everyone. Birth is beyond any apparent limitations– at the end of the day it does not have to do with a specific way or certain caregiver, this removes the focus from the raw and wild truth of the one who is giving birth.
Innately, birth is wild and free. No matter what support you have called upon during the process, it is in itself transformational and beyond all limitations. Anything is possible when it comes to birth. It is the realm of creation, of possibility, and potential. It is spontaneous and true to itself. The more we attempt to understand it the closer we come to the abyss of the unknown that holds the universe. Self-directed birth does not have to do with what the environment around you looks like, but rather the internal infrastructure that illuminates the soul.
In a world of never-ending data to be collected, a world where no two births are the same, a world where science cannot guarantee everything, we are asked to make a decision that reflects this internal environment. When the noise of the world begins to quiet and the space to enter within opens, there are threads that reveal themselves, guiding you to what you know intimately. These are the threads of intuition, that instinctual knowing that many talk about when it comes to birth–or anything– for what is birth but the blueprint for all of life. These threads guide us through the unknown, through all the “what if’s”, the external fears and pressures along with the information overload that so often accompanies.
Imagine a golden orb in the center of your body, from which all of these threads go forth. This central part of your being is the seat of your power. Infinite knowledge and wisdom live here. The hardest part in accessing this is untangling ourselves from the threads of everyone else. People tend to project their own fears and opinions onto you, and it is up to you to realize when these threads are truly your own, or someone else’s. Taking responsibility for yourself is an important part of Self-directed birth. It is nearly impossible to be in our power if we are not taking responsibility for ourselves. This can, at first, be the scariest part of self-direction, but is eventually the most rewarding for when we understand that no matter who or how we may ask for help, this birth is yours and your baby’s.
The best way to prepare for a Self-directed birth is to take time to familiarize yourself with who you are. You are not a stagnant thing, but a living, evolving, and continuously adapting being. As you begin to bring your awareness inwards, there is a place to begin to notice how you respond and engage with the world, what your internal processes are, and your deepest desires and fears. Getting to know yourself is never a completed task, it is never “done”, but rather continuously becoming and unraveling. Thus, when I say “familiarize yourself with who you are”, what I really mean is to make an effort to be and see yourself honestly and lovingly. It is merely building connection within and to yourself. Notice the areas of strength and the vulnerable places within, these two things often go hand and hand when acknowledged, and will both reveal themselves continuously throughout pregnancy, birth, and beyond. Expect the unexpected when it comes to learning who you are, be ready to surprise yourself, especially in birth, because birth demands a part of you that you may have never met so completely before. And remember, you were made for this moment. Birth is organic, natural, and physiologic. Your body is wiser than your mind on this journey and can speak more truthfully to what is needed in each moment. Birth is also alchemical, it is the cauldron, forging and reordering, refining, and awakening all the hidden parts of you.
As you learn more about yourself, you may find that you trust yourself more, know what you need, and can begin to build an environment that reflects what is inside. While I feel that a connection to self is most important, the people who come to your birth should also have this same level of awareness of themselves. In reality, many birth support and care providers are not encouraged to be as in tune with themselves and hidden agendas based on deep fears and opinions. I have observed that oftentimes the people who take the least responsibility for themselves and others are the ones who take on the responsibilities that are not theirs to take on. This could look like assuming responsibility for someone else’s birth, instead of offering information and support while trusting the mother to know what is most needed, attempting to make the decision instead. This is usually of no malicious or negative intention on someone else's part, but rather a lack of knowing themselves. Likewise, someone who gives all knowledge and decisions to a “professional”, is not ultimately taking personal responsibility. Giving all power of decision and information over to someone else is not the same as having guidance and gathering wisdom from others. Taking responsibility for yourself is knowing that you are the director of your experience. This is why knowing and understanding who is at your birth is incredibly important. This can look like understanding the underlying force that guides their actions and advice, for example: what is their training and how does that enforce their bias? What licensing do they have that dictates what they can and can’t do? What is their relationship and experience in attending births, are they there in true service or there for self-importance/indulgence? (I will write more on being in true service to birth and families in a coming post).
These are big and often intimidating questions to ask. Unfortunately, what people say is not always—nor even often— true. Thus, you may have someone who calls themselves an expert and claims to be one hundred percent in service to the mother giving birth and yet continues to coerce and manipulate under the pretense of wanting what is best for the birth’s outcome. This happens more times than I would like to admit, it is challenging when we are in an open and trusting space to realize that others may not have the same level of integrity. Like I said earlier, this is often not conscious of the person giving the advice– but rather their training and level of self-awareness.
As we become more in tune with our own sense of internal integrity and of self-knowing, we can begin to see clearly when others are/are not in the same relationship with themselves. This is the most tried and true way to gauge people’s level of inner attunement because when we are in alignment with ourselves, our ability to see how others clearly sharpens. The result of this is usually not anger, but rather, compassion. When anger is at the forefront, our boundaries have most likely been breached by another. When we see clearly, we realize that someone else’s lack of clarity is not personal and it is not up to us to “fix” this. We can see the reality of what is in front of us. When we overstep into someone else’s space, we are no longer taking responsibility for ourselves, but are attempting to take responsibility for someone else’s lack. Of course, we can choose to engage and find a middle ground, both potentially learning from each other and growing because of it. This can be a part of our personal responsibility– we can bring our own wisdom into the relationship, and the other can either choose to meet us there or not. It is not our job to try and force someone else into our way of seeing, for this is stepping outside of ourselves and becoming out of alignment with our own center. At the same time, this is true for how we conduct ourselves in relationships with other people and mothers. What we know is best for our family, may not be the same for another. We have to give others the trust to find their own way if we expect the same for ourselves.
“It is not my privilege to know the destiny of another human being”.
~Whapio
Birth is a coalescence of many threads of relationship– to self, others, the divine, and our babies! Self-direction is not a substitute for control. We can choose to continuously see ourselves as we evolve and grow, never holding ourselves in stagnation. We can choose who we want at our births and where we want to give birth–and yet– I personally believe in divinity and destiny, not that everything is set in stone, but rather that there is a greater force moving within and alongside us. And so, surrender and trust are also of great importance. Data is not able to control our wild existence. We cannot predict how and who we will birth, we are in a continuous relationship with the unknown, the divine, and our babies. They have a blueprint and the instinctual knowing of how to be born, uncomplicated by other people’s opinions and ideas of right and wrong. In this way, babies' innate knowledge is pure and clear, in the utmost alignment with divinity. And so, as we come into trust with ourselves, those we invite to our birth, and the divine unknown, we are also asked to trust our babies. There is a divine unfolding to every birth that we may not fully understand. While we may understand some of it, a part of it will always belong to its own wild knowing, and we can trust that.
To recap this write-up, I have concocted a list of things that can support you in creating a Self-directed birth
There is no right way to give birth. Birth is personal and unique to each individual and family.
A self-directed birth is about knowing who you are and what you want, not what other people want for you and your family.
There is never-ending data out there that can offer wisdom but cannot predict everything. Intuition is oftentimes the truest information out there because it is personal.
Intuition becomes stronger as we develop trust and relationships with ourselves. Practices that calm and clear external expectations and bring us into our own center can help develop our intuition.
We all have instinctual responses, sometimes other people’s opinions, ideas, and biases can affect these things. Developing a relationship with self can help our instincts to be at the forefront of our decisions, allowing for clarity in moments of decision.
Sometimes intuition and fear can feel similar, remember– fear often looks like an obsessive questioning of self and a stagnation of choice, whereas intuition is clear, calm, knowing, and directional. This includes taking action to do nothing.
External information is not always accurate, understand who is giving it to you, what their training is, and what hidden agendas/biases are present.
Birth is innately wild, free, transformational, and personal. No one can take this away from you.
Be aware of who you invite to your birth, what their roles and opinions are, what entity they are in allegiance with (you or their license?), what their training is, and what their level of self-awareness and accountability is.
Self-directed birth is about tuning our internal and external environments into one that aligns with who we truly are and what we desire.
Self-directed birth is not a substitute for control. It is deepening into relationships with self, and others, a divine unfolding, as well as our babies.
Our babies are instinctual and knowing as well. They have a blueprint of how to be born, unhindered by our concepts of right and wrong.
Trust your baby (what position they are in, their pace of arrival and timing, and so on)!
Trust yourself! You know most intimately what is happening in your body and what is needed for you and your baby.
Trust the divine unfolding. Understand that we cannot know everything, make choices and take action, and also trust its wild, divine unfolding.
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